Christmas dinner with the family was enjoyable, it’s true. But how much more enjoyable might it have been if I’d come prepared with a few holiday-ready lines from Long Day’s Journey?
You look weak, lad. You better take a bracer.
Keep your damned anarchist remarks to yourself or, equally good, Keep your dirty tongue off Ireland.
What do you know of the value of a dollar?
To 92-year-old grandmother–
For God’s sake, forget the past!
Truisms to share when conversation lags–
Fog: It hides you from the world and the world from you.
Snoring: Everybody healthy snores. It’s a sign of sanity.
When someone turns down a drink–
I wouldn’t give a trauneen for a teetotaler. They’ve no high spirits.
Whenever your glass is filled–
I never in my life had to be helped to bed, or missed a performance.
When someone mentions an author (substitute names as appropriate)–
Your dirty Zola! And your Dante Gabriel Rossetti who was a dope fiend!
When someone declares they’ve had enough to drink–
Thanks for telling us your great secret.
When brother leaves the room–
Greater love hath no man than this, that he saveth his brother from himself.
When sister says anything–
The Mad Scene. Enter Ophelia!
When someone opens a gift from you; after a pause–
Ingratitude, the vilest weed that grows.
When you open your gift; after a pause–
A poor thing, but mine own.
End of evening, when putting on coat:
Mother of God, why do I feel so lonely?
I guess there’s always next year . . .